Tuesday, May 22, 2012

What are your biggest fears?

I think I’m afraid of success. The prospect of it scares me, mostly financial success – getting money drunk and not managing the earnings properly – or becoming gluttonous to the point of desensitization, or having financial success, and then loosing it. 

This happened in 2006 when I found myself unemployed, paying two mortgages (one on a house that was being trashed by non-paying renters), and didn’t find a suitable job for six months. Being forced to be frugal, after having loads of discretionary cash, was a sobering experience – but the experience made me appreciate good steaks and leather seats all the more once we dug ourselves out of debt.

I think I need to re-read Shakti Gawain’s book, ‘Creative Visualization’, to put the success of ‘Scarlet Begonias’ and the concept of abundance into perspective. I didn’t expect to have the number of sales (before Kindle availability) and web site visits in the first month of publication.

I’m planning to use the profits to fund Chloe’s college fund and mine and Greg’s retirement fund.  If I don’t see the money, I won’t fear it.

Even more than success, I’m afraid of conflict. I’ll do just about anything to avoid it. In the 13 years that I’ve been with Greg, I think we’ve only had one or two real fights, and they occurred sometime in the first two years. I do, however, fight with my 8 year old daughter, Chloe. I find her unhappiness excruciating, and she knows it. She’s become an emotional terrorist – actually she’s been one since birth.

And even more than my fear of conflict – of an inability to diplomatically resolve them - or of knowing when to swallow my pride and when to stand my ground, I fear that I won’t conquer that fear before Chloe is a teenager. She’s not the boss of me!

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