Wow, that’s a hard one!
I used to always think that the perfect life was just around the bend –
if I just lived on a commune with hippies, then I’d be happy – if I didn’t have
to work a 9-5 job, then I’d be happy – if I was a rock star, then I’d be happy
– if I could just find my hands and reach Carlos Castaneda’s second attention,
then I’d be happy - if I could just run
a recording studio out of my house, then I’d be happy – if I could teach yoga
and be a shiatsu therapist, then I’d be happy – If I could just unravel my ego,
then…
It seemed that whenever I moved in the direction of “around
the bend”, the bend moved. So I learned to move toward these imagined bends of
nirvana with a full understanding that they would always morph into another
bend long before I could reach the original turn. I also realized that the
distortion of each bend was directionally proportionate to the velocity of my
approach.
So I’ve developed a side-winding method of movement,
venturing ahead in a zig-zagging pattern so as to not disturb the fickle
destinations which ensnare my attention. Whenever possible, I try to employ a
personalized version of Don Juan and Don Genero’s “Controlled Folly” – To act
with the utmost purpose during every action, but never caring about the
ultimate outcome.
This change in perception has served me well in many aspects
of my life, but I’m unwilling to apply the esoteric paradigm to my personal
relationships. I imagine this type of detachment to feel like the way food
tasted when I was on the Atkins Diet. (I don’t think this analogy will make
sense unless you’ve experienced the sensation of cutting out ALL carbohydrates
and only eaten fats and proteins for three months straight).
So, you ask – What do I want to be when I grow up? And to that I reply, it doesn’t really matter
as long as I have predilections and pursue them with both tenacity and whimsy,
never at the expense of my personal relationships.
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